Redemption?

I suppose I should feel better that my mother did end up calling that afternoon to come over (with a bit of hesitation). And I should feel even better than that that she even called again the next day to come over again.

Was my breakdown so intense that she could feel the anger vibes 10 miles away?

Again she had a fabulous time (after first telling me how exhausted she was and hadn't even eaten yet by 4:30 that day) and another fabulous time the next day.

My dad came with her yesterday and told me that she started to cry amidst playing with Logan that she wished she had more energy and was more up to playing with him more often.

Apparently I am still not aware of her state of health.

As my dad says, when she feels great for one day, it's "always". When she feels crumby for a day, it's "always".

I can't take it literally.

My dissappointment isn't really so much about her as it is my own expectations. It doesn't help that my mother is an extremist when it comes to just about anything. But, it is what it is. She's not very healthy right now and she's doing what she can to get there and in the meantime I wish her plenty of joyous times with her grandson and I will not expect too much of her unless absotultely needed. And I don't mean that in a harsh way, though it sounds it. I truly mean that I have to come to terms with her not being "that kind" of grandmother. She is who she is and I love her for it.

So this weekend is her and her twin sister's birthday. A huge sh*tload of family is coming to visit and it will be a weekend of parties, barbecues, babysitters and good dinners. Now if this nausea would just let up.

Don't even bother.

That's what I feel like saying to my mother. I don't get it. I just don't get it. My feelings are so hurt and she has no clue.

For someone who absoultely adores me and has done everything in the world for me and loves and adores her grandson so much, it is completely mind boggling to me why my mother doesn't spend more time with her grandson.

The time she does spends are some occassions when she stops by for a bit with my dad before he goes to bed. Or times when we might all go out to eat. There are endless amounts of times my father has come on a last minute calls to watch Logan for me. I can count the times my mom has babysat alone on one hand.

While I try to give her the benefit of the doubt that she may be busy and wrapped up in things. It still doesn't pan out. Not for anyone. Noone can understand it.

If I've asked her to come, my dad always comes in her place.

When I am a grandmother I will relish in the moments that I can kidnap that kid and take off for the day and give my children a break.

For her, a mere hour is a struggle to fit into her, house obsessed, jobless life. I mean that. Her days revolve around constantly decorating and doing things to her already beyond finished masterpeice of a home, getting her hair done, nails done and special dietary food for her allergic digestive system. As loving as she is, this is what she spends her time doing. Her "extremely busy" time.

I will say that I have tremendous empathy for the time she has gone through battling her Celiac Spru. But, when I keep hearing how wonderful she's feeling now - I just don't get it.

I have all these friends with grandmothers that take their babies out and about. They are there at a moment's notice when they are not feeling well or just need a break.

We have a babysitter who comes twice a week for Logan when I go into work. She is really grandma # 3. She takes Logan to all different places. Has playdates with him. Does all sorts of fun things with him and she tells me all about their day and all his accomplishments as if bragging about her own grandson. If my MIL were here. I wouldn't need a babysitter.

My mother has yet to strap him in a carseat.

If she has babysat, it's been on a few occassions when we had noone else and she LOVES it. Which is even more reason that I am so confused.

I asked her, my father asked her, Mr. Sweets asked her - if during this time that I am so exhausted and sick that she could come more often to watch Logan even if just for an hour so I could grab a nap. It will only be until this sick phase is over with. Of course, she says. In fact, we brought this up based on her saying that she doesn't see him enough. Then WHY!!! Why are you not here? Why last night when I asked her to come today and she said she'd call with what time she could fit it in, has she not called. It's the afternoon now.

Here's what I say to it all now. Don't even bother!

Somehow I manage to function.

Somehow, I am managing to get up at 6:30 in the
morning with wobbly legs, spinning head and totally
unsettled stomach. I manage to walk my tired,
underested self over to my son's room and put on the
happy face. And while it is a genuine happy face to
see his precious smiling chubby cheeks smiling back at
me with bear in hand, I won't lie, it's still a
struggle. It's so hard to pick him up when all I want
to do is collapse. I have the weekends for daddy to
take over while I hover under the covers in bed, but
during the week, it's all me.

I can't understand Logan's urgency for his banana,
waffles, cereal or whatever he's starving for, when
the thought of it, much less the smell and touch of it
will have me dry heaving. It's so much harder to get excited
when preparing his food when it could quite possibly be
the worst smell ever.

Ugh! Dry heaving. I have not vomited. Well, maybe it
is because my most nauseaus moments are in the morning
when I am full of nothing but thyroid medicine and a
few sips of water. So I dry heave and salivate into
the toilet and shake.

I didn't dry heave with Logan at all. I had queasiness
and overall yukiness with Logan, but not like this.
This is so much worse. It's almost debilitating in the
mornings and later at night.

There is a brief period during the day when I must get
things done, must work, must do laundry, vaccuum,
clean, run errands etc. that it slightly takes a backseat, but
it's still there. It hasn't even been two weeks of
this and I am begging for the trimester to be over.

It's amazing how your brain can be so excited and your body can
feel none of it. I had such a wonderful pregnancy with Logan and
I just can't wait till I get to that energetic wonderful, life is growing
inside of me feeling.

I've also found out that two friends of mine are pregnant as well.
We are each a few weeks apart. Very exciting.

Logan started nodding his head about two weeks ago and now has just
started shaking his head no. It is adorable. When I say "no". He shakes his
head and gives me the same serious look I am giving him (only I am not nearly
as cute.)

I feel very bloated and fat already. I dont' think I've gained weight, but
I sure do look it and feel it. Water maybe?

Anyway, despite my annoying complaints, I am so happy.

Just one more week till the first ultrasound. Then my mind can see
whether it's all real or not. The double lines, the nausea, the weird taste in my mouth, the bloat,the dizziness, the obsession with avacados and the endless trips to the bathroom. . .

Ick!

Feeling very yucky these days. How long has it been??? I've got much more of this to go.

2 things I am such a baby about - sore throats and nausea. Give me a broken leg, a nasty cut, or a stuffy nose. But, those two things, have me begging for mercy.

Ah well.

Yesterday we went to Logan's 15 month check up, even though he's 16 months. Oops. A little late.

So we get there right on time and despite the construction going on and warning on the possibilty of parking problems, we pull right into the only vacant spot. Logan napped, had a snack and was in a great mood.

In fact, everytime in the past, he has been this great braggable angel at the ped.

In the past that is. Yesterday changed history. We walk in and he sits on my lap calmly and watches the other kids play with the toys (which I really try to not let him play with due to the sickies), and he was happy as can be with mommy. We got called in right away. The nurse says, "It's time for his eye test."

"Oh", I say. "He's actually already had that."
"Oh, really. Let me check his file."
She steps away to her little handy dandy portable mini computer file that has everything on Logan in it.
"Looks like he had it back in November. Let's do it again."
"Um, okayyyy."
I'm thinking, he was so good then and really liked the flashing pictures and songs. Why not have another go?
So he sits on my lap and she proceeds to paste on these electrode monitor things on his temples and back of his head on his clean hair. He wasn't unhappy yet, until the patch over the left eye came. Then he gets this totally sad face that just completely breaks my heart. Then the music starts with the annoying nurse trying to be funny and the pictures are flashing in a dark room. He totally freaks. He starts crying. Not the kind of cry that says, "Don't think I like this." The kind that says, "What is happening to me, I feel totally violated and I have cords hanging all over me and I was totally happy just minutes before. Mommy how could you let this happen."
He starts to do the breath cries where he can't catch his breath and tears off the cords and that was it. We stopped the whole thing and said we'd do it another time. He passed last time. Why did we need to do it again!!!

So then she puts us in a room and tells me to undress him for the weigh in. So I undress my trying to calm down innocent little boy and he is clinging to me while we do it. Then he gets put on the scale and he starts the same cry again.

Then he finally calms down after the weigh in and after I start reading a book to him that was in the room.

Then the Dr. comes in, who is great and good with him. But, he's still not happy. She examines him while I am holding him. I tell her of his recent cold and then she looks in his ears. She says that it's red and that he may have an ear infection.

Then she tells me that she doesn't like to give antibiotics or overmedicate, but she is giving me a prescription to have just in case. Meanwhile, it's not even a confirmed ear ache and I so don't beleive in antibiotics unless extremely necessary.

Well, he has no other symptoms like she said. He's been happy as ever since the cold went away and I later found out that ears and ear drums get red and are often mistaken for ear infections after a big bout of crying. And she was sticking this thing in to remove ear wax and making me hold his hands down and he was screaming. I just felt so so bad. My poor happy boy had an awful experience.

Then he's got all this sticky shit in his hair and looks like Dennis the Menace with it sticking straight up in the back form those sticky things from that damn eye test.

He was holding me so tight. Finally when we got to the car, he was happy again and laughing and seemed to have forgotten it all. I was still traumatized.

Oh and she also said that we could pass on the vaccines this time.

"Actually", I said. "We can pass on them forever."

We were going to do a delayed schedule, but after so much more convincing reasons and research and actual studies against vaccines, we decided not to do them at all.

So that's that. No antibiotics and no vaccines.

You'd think I am anti medicine, but I am not. Really. I just don't like it when it is unnecessarily used.

ANYWAY

He's 88 percentile height. 25 percentile weight. And he's got his two bottom molars and two up top are just poking through.

He nods yes now. (I thought no came first). He tries to put his foot in every hole he sees. He matches his squares and circles to there prospective holes and he is the biggest sweetheart ever.

He hugs us all the time. Actual real hugs. Ugh! It is the best. Nothing like your little miracle running up to you in the middle of playtime to have a hug. He nudges us to move when he wants our lap ready for him to sit in. He loves books. Loves his pets. Loves his family and seems to just love life.

So this ick feeling has just about the best turn out any ick feeling could ever have and I'm so excited to double this joy. It's just a matter of our hearts being able to
hold so much love and joy.

May 8, 2007

I beleive that is the due date of baby blessing # 2.
Wow! Still can't quite beleive it, although an early
onset of morning sickness has made me beleive. We are
quite besides ourselves thinking that in less than a
years time we will be looking into the back seat and
seeing not one, but two beautiful faces.

It happened quickly and I can't be too surprised as it
happened quickly with Logan. So only 1 period in a
span of 2 years. Not bad.

So again, May 8, 2007. Logan's birthday is May 3rd. It
is highly possible that this baby could be born on his
birthday. As if May isn't insane enough with grandpa's
birthday, my husband's birthday, Logan's birthday, Mother's Day and more family celebrations.

I am feeling so sick. So so tired and quite amazed that I can function at all with a toddler running around. Mr. Sweets has kindly taken on morning duty on the weekend so that I can sleep in.

Nausea is the worst and I feel convinced that it is already worse than the worst point in the first pregnancy. But, then again the body doesn't remember pain, so that fact that I am experiencing it alone will make it worse.

I can't wait till it diminishes. It's odd to get a good night's sleep and not feel rested. It's odd to once have woken up with so much energy and now feel like puke ball ready to explode. Funny how quickly you forget what it was like to feel good.

But, I know it is all worth it.

Well, that's as much energy as I have for typing right now as I must save the rest for my family, laundry and oh yeah, peeing.

Catching up in a BIG way.

I think I'll catch up with some pictures.

First off, it has been way too long since I've posted. There have been many happenings. Many family and friend visits. Logan's first awful cold. My first awful cold since 2 years. Logan cutting molars in which blistering bloody gums were not to be expected. Ouch! Logan getting a first really big boo boo on his forehead from the sheer excitement of running with toy. And one more surprise. But, that will reveal itself at the end of this post. And don't sneak down!!!

First, up. Let's take moment to revel in my sweet boy and his undeniable cuteness. Sitting with our best girl, Molly.



His newest way of getting in troubelle by pushing open the drawer from one end with his feet and climbing right on top of the coffee table. Many "no's" are being learned here.



Fun with daddy.



Close up of the owy. It was much worse.



First time at the zoo.



A little surprise.



More later...