This is hard!

I was supposed to come on here and write a post about
my growing boy and the happy times we have. I was
supposed to update about the pregnancy, share some
Halloween pictures and other mom of a toddler news.

But, instead I am going to write about how I am
depressed today. And for no apparent reason. I really
don't have a good reason. I don't have a valid reason
for feeling somewhat trapped today. For feeling
totally non-independent. For feeling completely
accountable at all times. Afterall, I have a great
babysitter twice a week and I've had my share of
weekends with my husband, while my mom and dad stay
with Logan. I have a son who goes to sleep at 6pm
everynight and sleeps for 12 to 13 hours and takes a
nap with no fuss everyday.

But, here I am feeling like I have no "me" time. How
is this? Maybe it is because my time away from Logan
is either spent at work always trying to catch up. Or
it is taking a Martial Arts class with my husband or
taking a weekend with my husband that somehow or other
involves other people and itineraries.

I think I just want time to plop myself on the sofa
for a day. Not an hour or two. A day. Better yet, a
weekend. Where I can read. Where I can write and surf
the internet, without a certain panic that I am
trading a shower alone and getting my hair done
because Logan will be up in a half hour. How does nap
time go so fast and that hour and half before nap time
go so slow?

And maybe this is all sort of an underlying panic
about the absolutely no "me" time I will soon
encounter when I am not only being depended on by my
son and husband, but a newborn. I am prepared (wrong
word). I am AWARE of the chaos that is to come when
May rolls around the corner. And I'm scared of those
early months. It is truly so tiring and hard with a
toddler who sleeps well and behaves well (for the most
part, minus toddler tantrums and frustration). What
will I do when I am getting 3 hours of broken up
sleep, nursing round the clock, tending to a two year
old, making sure my husband still feels loved and
adored, allocating attention in all different
directions, while housework, bills and the like are
piling up the size of Mount Fuji? Will I cope?
Probably. But, in a sane way? Cause that's what I am
hoping for. Sure I can sit at dinner with my husband
while Logan is at home sleeping with a sitter on the
couch watching a movie with some left over Chinese
food and talk about how great of a family we will be
and how we know all the "right" things to do now with
a newborn and how much fun the four of us will have
and how Logan will be the absolute best brother. But,
what about when the time comes and Logan feels sad or
left out. What happens when the time comes and I snap
at him (no matter how much I don't ever want to)
because I am being pulled every which way that I can't
even think? I get frustrated now. What will happen
then?

I could totally be blowing things out of proportions
but based on other mothers of more than 1 baby I know,
I'm not. And that is sh** scary. I know how I get when
I am tired and sleep deprived. I get grouchy and I
cry. I get overwhelmed. My husband says he will help
and he is working extra hard now so that he won't have
to when the baby comes and so that he can help more. I
know he will help. I know it will all work out, but I
guess I am just feeling overwhelmed today as it is,
with the things I need to do, holidays coming up, work
piling up, milk that needs to be replenished, hair
that needs to be dried, clothes that need to be put on
and the 1 day in I can't remember how long that my boy
did not take a good nap.

I'm spent today. I just want to sleep the day away.
And I feel like a terrible mother when I want a day
off from being a mother and I know I just need to suck
it up.


Ok, well, that about does it for today. Till the next
post when I can regain some sort of self back and
breathe again.