Lover's Spat

My head feels like every capillary is trying so
hard to pump my blood, but that there are these little
fingers pinching and restricting it from flowing. In
understandable terms - I have a headache.
And it's big.

But, I think it is one of those "after the event"
headaches. The kind that you should have had while you
were stressed and upset, but instead get as the after
effect when all is ok and back to normal.

My Mr. Sweets and I had a bit of a tiff. And this came
after he just got back in town from business. It was over something very minor, but a big deal to me. I am the one who will hold it in and then expect for my quiet behaviour to be recognized and consoled. And then when it doesn't, or I'm not obvious enough or he is playing the same game, it almost always comes out pretty hostile in the end and then the shit hits the fan and hashed out and then all is fine and back to normal.

But, here's the thing. Our tiffs, which are few and
far, are always about something really stupid. I mean
if you look back on them, you would really laugh. It
makes me wonder. Am I too sensitive? Cause really, I
don't know. Maybe we are both too sensitive at times. Because for the most part we are not and then there are those times where we can just say the slightest thing or give a look and our feelings are shattered.

Anyway, without getting into it too much, I basiclly had my feelings hurt and he probably didn't even realize it. So I emailed him, since we are here at the office. And he emailed back that I was absoultely right and the apology and all. Then a few minutes later came his email. He had to get into it too. Then I emailed back. And back and forth it went. I felt kind of giddy sitting in our separate offices while everyone goes on working and we sit here with intent and purposeful looks on our face as if we are really into a project and really we are just sweetly venting back and forth.

My goal has been to just write when I get upset, because it never leads to an argument that way.

Sometimes you need these times to make everything so much better.

Feel Good

8th grade. New school. New faces. Shy me. On the first
day I met A. Standing outside with her backpack so
tight against her shoulder and her perfectly curled
long hair. We were both so shy, it is amazing we even
said hi to each other. From that day on, A and I
became best friends. Actually sisters. Sisters that
love each other, sisters that hate each other, sisters
that fight like cats and dogs and sisters that would
do anything for each other.

A was always very inhibited. But, I lost that once
high school came and some of our differences began
then, but never tore us apart. She was wise. She was
often mistaken for being out of college, nevermind a
14 year old. She was brilliant. Still is. But, never
did anything with the genius she had.

I went to college. She didn't. I traveled the world.
She didn't. She wanted to do these things, but never
did. She always held back.

A few months after I announced my engagement to Mr.
Sweets, A announced her engagement to her drug addict,
gambling addict, sex addict, alcoholic boyfriend. The
celebration for her was nothing like the celebration
for mine. And this was where the friendship went
downhill. The sisterhood was swaying heavily towards
the cats and dogs.

To make a really long and not too sweet story short,
we grew apart and it was mainly a matter of her and
her husband.

My wedding was a small intimate ceremony with the most
love I've ever felt in one room. Mr. Sweets and i
still watch our video and say that it was the best day
of our life that far. The celebration was extreme and
the emotions were beautiful. Her wedding was a dash
ceremony consisting of her, her husband, the officiant
and a cold courthouse. Not to mention the belly she
had with the baby boy along the way. That baby boy has
turned into the biggest blessing of this whole story.

Her husband has turned into the biggest nightmare.

Oh, yeah, I was making this short. So to make this
brief - she filed for divorce. He was served. He
signed.

Amazingly enough, as her life is in complete disaray
with a list as long as the Neverending Story, she's
back. My friend from years ago is back. She never told
me the last few years of their problems, though I
suspected it had to be cause of our diminishing
friendship. But, when the you know what hit the fan,
she divulged everything to me and I know it felt good
for her.

Yesterday I went to see her. We took the 2 1/2 hour
drive to her parents house and the boys played
together and all we did was enjoy them. On my way
there I stopped at a grocery store that has a huge
section of gift cards ranging from gas cards, Toys R
Us cards, Gap, Macy's, Groceries and American Express
Cash cards.

I loaded up on them. I put them in a bag with a
beautiful card and bottle of bath bubbles for her son.

She opened it after we left and this morning I got a
message from her. With uncontrollable sobs, she told
me that words couldn't express her gratitude. At the
same time, she was reassuring her boy that mommy was
ok.

Her husband has done a number on her and she has
nothing.

Once upon a time, I thought I could never help her out
because of the distance between us. But now. Helping
has never felt so good.

I am selfish in that way. Just like my grandma. I love
to give, but I do it selfishly. Yeah, it makes me feel
good and that's why I do it. So I guess I'm selfish.

She's a smart woman. A wonderful mother. She is strong
and now she has to be the strongest for her son. I
hope this is the turning point in her life. I wish for
her all the happiness in the world.

Done

Bye bye birth control pill. Since my 6 week postpardum
visit, I have been taking the "mini" pill since I was
breastfeeding. Then at my recent annual, my OB
recommended the real "pill" since I was only nursing
once a day. So I made the switch knowing that I would
only be on it for a few months time. The first two
weeks there were no noticeable side effects (I never
get side effects) then week 3 came and so did my
period. What??? I was so not prepared - you know being
in Vegas and all at a huge hotel where I had to make a
pretty decent trek to a store that sold what are those
things called again, oh yeah - tampons! Bummer! I so
wasn't prepared. I had not had a period in like 2
years. Man, was I spoiled. Well, the cramping began
and the fun symptoms that go along with
this monthly bill and let me tell you they had not
let up until just yesterday!!! So I know this is a
common side effect starting the pill (and I am on the
lowest dose there is), but it really bugs. So I told
my husband that this could possibly be in effect for a
few months with this nonsensical bleeding. To which he
said. "Just go off of it and if you get pregnant, you
get pregnant." Well, granted, it would be another huge
blessing, but I am a bit of a scheduler freak and
prefer our babies to not have the same birthday. I was
really hoping to get rpegnant later this year, not
now. Well, who knows what is up with my body. But, I
am going to stop taking the pill. So here's what I
bought - Cycle Beads http://www.cyclebeads.com/. Yes, I am
going to try the old Calendar method and we'll see
what happens. Really, it doesn't matter either way.
What is meant to be is meant to be. I either have the
baby before my 30th birthday and party like it's 1999
(totally kidding) or I am a big moo cow and I shake my
rump. This assuming that I am having some big "party"
for my 30th. Actually my birthday is really not a consideration.
I was just kind of hoping for over 2 years apart then exactly
2 years apart. But, in all honesty I will be stoked either way.

So technically, I have been off the pill for 7 days
now as those last pills are fakes anyway. I am
prepared with ovulation kits, pregnancy tests and soon
to be in hand Cycle Beads. Now life just has to happen
and we'll roll with it.

Just Life

A quick summary.

First of all, how cute is my boy? K*^^% (my dear dear
husband). He deserves a nickname here. I have a
million of them at home, but here I'll call him . . .
Mr. Sweets. Just came to me so that's it. So Mr.
Sweets had this picture framed in an I Love Mommy
frame as one of my birthday gifts. Yesterday morning he
happily took that frame with him to a bus. trip in his
bags. Thanks, Mr. Sweets. But, then again, I have the
real thing.

Well, I will begin with saying that my birthday night
dinner was FABULOUS. It was one of those nights that
you would create over and over again. The mood, the
romantic setting, the food (to die for), the wine
(appropriately titled "Summer's") and the company.
Coming from a family who loves food, loves cooking and
loves great restaurants I have experienced excellent
food around the world, and I will say that this was
the BEST experience and restaurant I have been to.

Then - it was Vegas time. My husband - oops, Mr.
Sweets had a last minute business trip that he needed
to go on and wanted us all to go. So we went with
grandma and grandpa. Logan was a model perfect child
from a disney commerical on the way there. I mean it
was like a 5 hour drive. We stopped once to eat. The
whole way there he was so happy and so entertained by
us. I was feeling quite proud of my wonderfully
content child. Then we got there and he was so
engrossed in every person, noise, sculpture -
anything. It was adorable to see things through his
eyes.

Then day 3 came along, it was time to go home and it
was a good thing we planned to. Logan was already
checked out by the time he hit the carseat. The disney
commerical turned into the before story on Nanny 911.
Finally, home came. He was so happy to be home in his
own bed. I love that he loves his home and his room and his
dogs and cat. I love that he loves the life WE gave
him.

After being so happy to be home, afterall we are all
such home bodies, Mr. Sweets finds out that he has to
go back to Vegas this weekend. This time I opted out.
Sorry, baby.

Oh and I want to throw in how proud I am of my boy.

I've been doing the back to work thing a few hours on
Mondays and Wednesdays and I like it. I get stuff
done. I do miss my boy terribly, but I really feel
like this is a good thing for both of us. Like,
yesterday. The babysitter took him out to Barnes and
Nobles to the children's section and then took him to
the pet store. She said he just loved it. He is really so
comfortable with her. She takes him to the park and
has so much fun with him. He is also great with my
parents.

I just love that he is so trusting with the people
that I trust. It's like he just knows that mommy and
daddy give the ok. The babysitter is always amazed at
how well adjusted and good he is. I am too.
He just makes me beam as it is and then when others
recognize it you can help but get an ego boost.

There are so many challenges in this world and when
you have your child looking in your eyes with a big
smile, it erases it all. That face is magic. It is
pure magic.

Ahhh . . . Birthdays.

Remember when birthdays were like the best day ever. The anticipation of what will happen. What gifts are you going to get? What surprises are in store? Well, at least for me, I used to feel so special on my birthday. And I must say I still do. I have a bunch of messages from family and friends. Most of which are not the greatest at carrying the birthday tune. But, it works.

So today for my birthday I went and had myself a manicure and pedicure. Oh, first I should say that I was awoken by my sweet, warm and fuzzy cuddly husband and wished a very happy birthday. Then we both got up and made breakfast for Logan and got ready for our morning walk with grandpa.

Then I had my wonderful mani/pedi, which I have not had in a year. Then we went for a good old fashioned fattening late breakfast followed by the beach. Ah, the beach. The weather is insanely nice and the beach was so so crowded, but it had a buzz of happy people, happy families and lots of water babies. The beach is just a street down from us and we are only just starting to go. (Must go more frequently) Logan was scared of the waves, but loved the sand, and loved when we held him so he could laugh at the other kids while he stayed dry. It was here that my lovely husband took note of my white legs and tan arms. Oops. Maybe I should wear shorts when we do our morning walks. I'm not going to lie. There were some icky, sandy, sticky, fussy moments (like sand getting in the mouth and diaper), but the smiles and laughter made up for it all.

We came home and since Logan missed his second nap (bad mommy!) we took a bath. Daddy jumped in too and then it was bed time.

And now I await our babysitter, so that we all (my mom and dad included) can go have dinner and a great restaurant. I'm so excited for a glass of wine! Wine after a beachy day. Mmmm.

Ok, that's all.

P.S. I think a picture session will be in order soon.

Logan????

I say this very emphatically! What happened to my baby? And I mean this in the most grateful of ways. For quite some time now he goes down for his nap like butter (buttah). So so smooth. 3 hours from last wake up and he yawns. Like clockwork. I take him to his room, get the bear, set him in his crib, play a lullaby and leave. He lies down immediately and snuggles his bear right when he gets in bed and he makes a few noises when I leave for oh maybe 5 seconds and then he's out.

He wakes up so so happy. So yesterday was the whole strange 2 hour nap on the babysitter after his already 1 hour nap. This child ahs not taken a 2 hour nap since I don't when. I am happy when he has his 12 hours at night and 2, 1 hour naps. That's the norm. So today, after 12 hours night sleep and 1 morning nap, he goes down for nap #2. He wakes up and just sits in his crib, to which I usually go in and get him. He's not making any noises that would suggest come get me and he usually doesn't anymore. But, I have the video monitor and because I do and see that he is sitting up, I presume nap is over and it's been just over an hour.

But, today, I say let's wait and watch. I wait and within 5 minutes he is back down and getting cozy with the bear. Then he sits up and gets into another position. 10 minutes later, without any peep, he is asleep. Still asleep now after 30 min.

This stuff just doesn't happen. I read all these moms blogs and such about their children's 3 hour naps twice a day and I am in awe. He did do another big poop, but nothing out of the ordinary. He always poops about 3 times a day. He has been in the best mood. So maybe he is really turning into a sleep lover like his mommy and daddy.

May this never end.

First, of all, there is nothing like my boy and the joy he brings me. There is nothing like his laughs, his smiles and his babble. There is nothing like having two arms reach up for you and there is nothing like a 1 year old hug with slobbery lips. But, all of this coupled with a baby who is sleeping this much, makes for an even happier, if not giddily happy baby and that makes my life even more great than I already felt it was.

Sleep . . . priceless.

Stuff like this never happens . . .

So the twice weekly babysitter that we got, who is unbeleivable and the best of the best and like even better than having my mom (oops did I say that/ scratch that). Anyway, point being - she's great. She came today for the 2 to 6 time that I am to go to work with the hubby. Well today was a lunch with our employees. About 10 of us to celebrate our office manager's birthday and yes, mine. Even though mine is on Saturday (no hint or anything).

So lunch was great. Then we had to go get new cell phones as we were very outdated. Few more office errands and bam the time was gone and it was time to come home. So not much work done, although good errands were accomplished.

Come home and the babysitter says, "Well, I don't know what's going on with Logan . . ." To which I almost freak. "He woke up from his nap at 2:15, didn't want his snack and then fell asleep on me at 3pm and slept till 5pm. Had a huge poop and was good as new. He ate all his dinner and had his bath."

So he obviously had a little stomach thing. But, she said he didn't fuss one bit, but just curled up in her arms and slept. That is so not him. He is so on the go. So my poor muffin really must have needed that poop. even though he already pooped 3 times today.

And I think I know the culprit. How about too many gulps of pool water in swim class today? Mmm hmm. I feel really bad. But, he was dunking and laughing and having so much fun and he did take in quite a bit of water. Water that was also filled with lots of other kids. Anyway, he's good now and playing with daddy. I think we'll try to put him to bed at 7pm since he's already slept so much. But, I think he'll still be tired.

Poor little guy. But, I am happy that he was comfortable with her to just sleep and poop.

I hear tantalizing giggles. I must go join the fun now.

A Loooong Beef

I live in a town where each shopping center houses a
chiropractor, yoga center, acupuncturist and natural
food market. Many mothers walk around with their
babies in a sling or some sort of carrier. They buy
organic foods for their babies and they make visits to
whatever state is hosting the Dahli Llama.

I have also seen these same vegetarian mothers with
big SUV's at the Del Taco drive thru pushing the gas
pedal with a leather sandal.

I am not about to judge these women as I am one who
feeds my child organic foods while sipping on my
Frappacino Light from Starbucks.

But, I have a beef. We can't be perfect. You can be
aware of things and try your best to do the right
things that can benefit your family and the world.
Still, even the most cost conscience will get ripped
off and the most environmentally aware will fail to
recycle a time or two.

My beef is with those who preach about how committed
they are to being a vegetarian as we sit on their
leather couch and discuss the issue "The cow was already dead."

How committed they are to their contribution of decreasing their carbon dioxide, while
their big SUV engine runs as they talk out the window
to their friends.

I kind of just want to draw out the humility in them.
Make jokes about yourself. You're not perfect and you
may make a contribution, but don't make me feel bad
for not driving a hybrid (although I do really want to get one) and for really liking steak (and I do love cows). But, I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be.

I gave an "environmentalist" friend our exersaucer. I
didn't think that we would one day need it for baby
#2. I just knew that we had used it and Logan was over
it and why not give it to someone who needed it. Well,
I was judged two ways. One, was that I was very
thoughtful and generous to give the gift and two, was
that I was pretty wasteful and spoiled that I had to
have a new one for the next baby and wanted to rid
myself of this "space taker". The later, is not the
case at all. Like, I said, I simply didn't even
rationalize that I might use it again. When I gave it
to them, I was also reminded of how great it was to
recycle, because it is such a waste to have an
abundance of plastic. Again, weren't you on the
mission against these plastic environmental hazards in
the first place and then agreed to take mine so that
you wouldn't have to purchase another?

Ok, here's my other beef. I don't like to get ripped
off. I do like to be aware of spending. But, my
husband and I are also not one to take minutes with
each item at the grocery store to compare bang for the
buck. We simply choose not to and in many cases we
feel it is worth it to us to sometimes pay more for
something for convenience. But, I think it's great
that many people do compare and are cost conscience. So what? It is none of my business. My husband and I are lucky enough that we do not have to be thrifty with things. Does that mean we are wasteful. Are we reckless spenders? No. And so what if we were. We're helping the economy, aren't we?

You walk into a little boutique and pay three times as much for a pair of jeans then you would at Target. You either feel good that you helped out the small
business or feel like a schmuck for getting ripped
off.

These are the batlles that often go through my mind.

Am I messed up? Is something wrong with me? I
seriously overanalyze and obsess about these things. I actually get anxiety over these things quite often.

Ok, this is getting long, but I should have prefaced
why this "beef" has been brought out.

We have a professional relationship with some people
that happen to have a baby the same age as Logan. And
we'd really like to kee it just that way. Professional. We are friendly by all means, but they keep asking and hinting towards hanging out with the babies. And I have to be honest. I am scared. I am the type that needs to crack jokes on occassion about poluting my body with Taco Bell and they are the type to gasp and nearly faint by the mention of Taco Bell's processed food.

They are against immunizations, circumcision and using
bottles. They are pro co-sleeping and think it is
cruel if you don't co-sleep and dairy should pretty
much stay out of the question till the kid's like 18.
I really have no problem with any of it. I, myself have my own issues with vaccines etc. But, I did get my son circumcized and I don't feel bad about it. My son doesn't co-sleep with us and I happen to think that us getting a full nights sleep with some sleep training has made all three of us a really happy family, rather than grumpy family.

It's the forcing it onto us as parents that I have the problem with. I find it interesting to hear other viewpoints and I respect them. Truly I do. But, to make others feel bad about not doing it your way is simply out of the question for me and I just can't see how a friendship could evolve from that.

I am going to be very rash right now. It's much like
religion and politics to me. I have good friends who
are Catholic, Christian, Jewish, Republicans etc. But,
I'm not any of those. I really choose not to get on
the subject with many people because it will almost
always get feelings hurt. I don't like being preached
to. I don't see the point. I don't preach myself.
(Except of course on my very own blog where readers
have the freedom to click me off). But, I feel if you have to preach to someone with an alternate view then maybe you are still not convinced of this beleif yourself.

Anyway, it's not such a big deal with these people. It's just on my mind. And I have to figure out how to draw the line, without, "Oh, we're busy that day." It's just not going to cut it for much longer, ya know?

Ok, that's all for my rant. Ah. That felt good. My lungs just took in and let out a really good breath of oxygen. Gotta love blogging.

I bid adieu.

So I said goodbye to my joournal on my previous
journaling site - TLOL. I feel sad, but I feel relief.

Not that it was a burden, but it was just time.

I suppose it was like Logan moving into his own room
and out of ours. I remember feeling so nostalgic, but
so ready. I remember the first night that I went to
our bedroom and there was no co-sleeper, no
tip-toeing, no whispering, no white noise machine. It
was me and my husband in a quiet bedroom with lights
on and even the t.v. I felt a bit sad and nostalgic,
but I also felt free.

I loved TLOL and it served a wonderful purpose for me
and now my blogging here will continue to serve it's
purpose. I don't think that I should write because
it's time to "check in" for readers. I need to do it,
because I crave it and I need it and because I am
drawn to it. So I need that one place to do it and
here it is.

RUSH RUSH RUSH

Sometimes you have those days where you just sit back and enjoy each moment. A shower could last forever, bath time with Logan is endless fun that could last hours and I wouldn't know, morning walks with beautiful weather, chirping birds and a 1 year old barking at all the dogs that go by could go for miles and miles and time stops in the evening so that I can read my friends blogs and journals and a good book.

Then there are those other days. The kind where your cat digs through a clean litterbox hoping to get someone to acknowledge her at 5:30 in the morning so that she can get her morning treat and in doing so wakes up the baby. The kind where no matter how fast you go or how organized you try to be, you're still late to a family outing, still forgot 1 or 2 necessary baby items in the diaper bag and baby missing a nap is fine by you because you get to put him to bed early and though you love the bajangles out of him, bed time can't come quicker on days like these. You look forward to the time where you can just sit at the computer and write or read and just relax the rest of the evening.

Ok, I am talking about my day. And though it was a very nice day. I felt rushed through it. And even after I put Logan to bed, I was still filled with a bit of jitterbug. I couldn't totally let go. I start to read and I get sidetracked and feel rushed. But, for what? He went to bed a 5pm out of total exhaustion and I have what? 4 plus hours to do whatever and one being cleaning the bird cage. So what's the rush?

There is none. But, that's why I came to write. It calms me down. And after being calm I can go and snuggle with my husband and have dinner.

I would really like to write on a daily basis. There are many handwritten journals I have from, I don't know, highschool. Journals through college. Journals of when I lived in Europe. Journals of when I met my husband and of course my internet journals. And I actually go back and read them on occassion.

Sometimes I feel rushed with overwhelming thoughts. So many things that I want to put my attention towards. So many projects in the making and none are completed. (finish book, finish re-write of other book for business, paint deck, clean out office desk, plant flowers . . .) Then there are the others. (call mom you met at Gymboree, call mom you met at park, return email of other mom you met at dr. office, get haircut, get dog's cut, trim Logan's nails . . .)

My mind is like a checklist.

For now, the top of this checklist will be to sit with my husband and have dinner and relax. The rest can wait till tomorrow.